resolutions.

As 2017 winds down, I have to take a look at my New Year’s Resolutions from January. This has really been the first year I’ve made any sort of resolutions. I think I did pretty good, considering that this is the first time I’ve looked at them since I wrote them down almost a year ago. So, let’s take a peek:

1. Be more creative.

I’m not sure how well I’ve completed this one since there isn’t a real good way to measure it, but I think I’ve been more creative. I’ve definitely written more in a non-blog context, so I’m going to call this resolution a success.

2. Manage your money better.

This has also been mostly a success. I’ve managed to save money, and I have more money in my savings account, so good job me.

3. Read more.

I have most definitely completed this resolution. I read a total of 33 books this year thanks to my obsession with Goodreads. It’s one of the best things I’ve discovered this year, and you should totally follow me if you also use it.

4. French. Learn it!

This resolution has been a total and epic fail. I used Duolingo for a good couple of months, but I’m pretty sure I deleted it off my phone since I never used it anymore. I guess French will remain unlearned.

Now that I’ve examined my old resolutions, I guess I should make some new ones. I want to continue my 2017 resolutions – like reading more and managing my money well, but here are a few new ones for 2018:

1. Exercise more.

I was pretty good on the whole exercising thing until school got rough, and I haven’t been back to the gym since. I want to start going to the gym a little more regularly, and even just go take a walk once in a while.

2. Write something non-blog related once a week.

This is an expansion of the “be more creative” resolution of 2017. I want to continue writing non-blog stuff and continue being creative.

3. Be more environmentally-friendly.

This is a bit of a vague resolution, but I want to be more conscious of my environmental impact, although I’m not entirely sure what that would look like since my future is pretty unclear past May.

4. —————–

My goal was to come up with four resolutions like last year, but I’m out of ideas. Maybe something will come up later? Or maybe it’s a symbolic blank resolution? I’m not sure.


I’m curious what your New Year’s Resolutions are! Let me know down in the comments or over on Twitter.

10.11.17

10.11.17 Original photo: Photo by Peter Hershey on Unsplash

I had completely forgotten about this post until I found this in my drafts a couple days ago. I was waiting to try to figure out the point of this post, but I still have no point, so here you go. Enjoy.


A couple days ago, it was National Coming Out Day. Now, I had nothing prepared for this day, mostly because I’m never aware of these things until they’re actually happening (someone find me a calendar with every holiday/celebration ever pronto, please). But, here’s a story that kind of ties into my queerness and coming out. Here you go.


10.11.17

Wednesday was a lovely, albeit stress-filled day. The majority of it was taken up with me panic-writing an essay due later that night (don’t worry, it got finished on time).

That afternoon, the brand-new, fancy-schmancy LGBTQ Resource Center opened on campus. So, with the rest of my Women’s Resource Center crew, I went to the grand opening.

Nothing particularly exciting happened at the opening. It’s a nice space with a lovely new-carpet smell. After everyone walked through and we were sitting on the curb eating green chile stew, a news crew came up and asked to interview someone. As the resident journalist major, it is my duty to say yes and get interviewed, so off I went and got interviewed. The interview was fairly unremarkable. I talked about the new space and how important it is, especially as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. The interviewer almost forgot to turn on my microphone. Rookie mistake. I went back to my friends and finished my food and left.

Now, at this point, you may be wondering “Sarah, why did you just tell us this extremely boring story?”

As I was driving home, I realized just how far I’ve come. That interview could’ve ended up on the news (it didn’t, unfortunately), and the entire city, more or less, could’ve known about my queerness. Even a year ago I could not imagine talking with people IRL about my sexuality, much less identifying as queer on the evening news.

In the past few months, I’ve really come into my own. From laughing nervously every time someone says to “make sure you’re straight” (often in reference to using equipment at the gym) to doing an entire presentation in-class on bisexuality, I have finally begun to own a part of myself that has been stuffed in a closet for 18 years of my life. And it feels incredible.

growing.

About a week ago around 11 PM, I had the brilliant idea to write a blog post about growing as a person. My half-asleep brain typed up the following, and I think it’s mostly coherent. So, have a read of some of my midnight thoughts bouncing around my head.


Growing

As a perpetually single person (as in I’ve never been in a relationship), it can sometimes be difficult. Society likes to tell you that you are somehow less worthy because you have yet to find someone who could potentially be “The One.”

Honestly, I think they’re just scared of us.

We’re the ones who have learned how to love ourselves when no one else does. We’re the ones who are our own cheerleaders. We’re the ones who don’t need anyone to love us or be our cheerleaders to succeed in life. We’re the ones who power through life because we know that there is nothing standing in our way.

They should be scared.

We’re pretty incredible.

I have recently realized that my lack of any romantic relationship in my life has contributed immensely to the person I have become. And I believe that had I been in a romantic relationship, I would not be the self-confident-verging-on-narcissistic, badass girl that I am today.

I went through some rough patches in my first year of college. I was depressed, anxious and lonely. I had no one. But that wasn’t true. I had me. Even when I had no one else to count on, I could still count on myself. When I managed to drag myself to a math recitation even though I just wanted to curl up on my bed and sleep, I was proud of myself. I rooted for myself when my anxiety didn’t let me study for exams, and supported me when I subsequently failed them. I told myself to go to the dining hall to eat some real food instead of the instant mac and cheese and cookies that I had in my room.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but these moments were crucial to my development as a person. It proved to me that no matter what, despite whatever shit was going on in my life, I could always depend on me. That was a very comforting thought. I was never truly alone.

As I entered my second year of college, the depression went away almost entirely, and the anxiety took a back seat. I was supported and secure. Suddenly, my self-acceptance turned into self-love. The voice encouraging me to go eat real food began encouraging me to follow my heart.

And somehow, without me realizing it, I blossomed into a capable and determined person who don’t need no man. Or woman. Or anyone else, for that matter. I know that I am headed places, and I don’t need anyone to tell me that.

I truly do not believe I would have this confidence in myself if I was in a romantic relationship within the past two years. It’s hard enough trying to find yourself by yourself. Believe me, it has so far been an interesting and exhausting journey. I can only imagine the difficulty trying to do that while also trying to grow in a romantic relationship. I’m not saying that it can’t be done. Just that I would not have grown nearly as much if I had been involved with someone.

In addition, I now know what I would want in a romantic relationship more so than I ever have at any other point in my life. I would say that I am a pretty good judge if someone is good enough (or not) for me, and whether pursuing a relationship with them is worth it. In most cases, it’s not.

And that’s fine. Because I know that I will be fine by myself.

Because I’m an awesome person, all by myself.

Why I Identify As Bi, Not Pan

why i id as bi not pan

Today I’m going to answer a question that came up last week when I was writing about why pan isn’t better than bi: why I identify as bi, and not pan. This question is closely tied to my previous post. I felt very uncomfortable and a lot of weird shame when I first started identifying as bisexual because of the whole argument about why pansexual is better. So, I wanted to discuss my label-finding process, if you will, a bit to hopefully shed some light on bisexuality and my own coming-out story.

Just a disclaimer, before I begin. This is not an argument about why being bi is better than pan. This is my own personal story. About me. You are different from me, so your labels are going to be different and your story is going to be different. That’s great. My purpose with this is to talk about me, both because I’ve never really talked about my coming-out publicly and to possibly help someone dealing with similar issues.


*flashback time*

via GIPHY

Let’s go back to February 2016, when little 18-year-old Sarah suddenly realized that she wasn’t just attracted to boys. (The experiences leading up to this point requires another blog post. Let me know if you want to see that!) At this point, I was faced with a scary decision: trying to find a label.

Now, I often compare labels to floaties in a pool. Some people like hanging out on the floaties, and other people like just hanging out in the water (or not having a label). I tried swimming in the pool and absolutely hated it. I felt like I was drowning. So, I decided I needed to find a floatie (or a label).

I began to do some research on the most reliable source of all – Tumblr. Honestly, Tumblr is great when it comes to trying to find labels. Another resource I’d recommend in Ash Hardell’s book The ABCs of LGBT+. I wish I had that book during this time of my life.

narrowing the search

Anyway, I narrowed my search down to two labels: bisexual and pansexual. Now, at this point, I defined bisexuality as an attraction to both men and women, and pansexuality as an attraction to all genders. I knew that I was definitely attracted to men and women, but I wasn’t too positive about non-binary genders. I figured that theoretically, I would be attracted to anyone one, no matter their gender. In that case, I felt that I almost needed to identify as pan.

But, it just didn’t fit. It’s very hard for me to explain, so I’m going to use another metaphor! Sweaters. Pansexuality is that sweater that looks amazing on the hanger, but when you try it on, it’s kind of scratchy and doesn’t fit right. Bisexuality, however, is the soft, cuddly sweater that you never want to take off.

via GIPHY

*ding, ding, ding*, bisexuality won!

So, I decided to identify as bi. But, I was still uncomfortable with the binary definition of the label. It just didn’t work for me. It was like I was wearing the soft, cuddly sweater in the middle of summer sweating my ass off. I felt weirdly shameful of being bi. That is, until I discovered that bisexuality didn’t necessarily need to mean men and women. I can’t remember exactly how I figured out that bisexuality didn’t have to mean binary. Let’s be real, it was probably on Twitter. Bisexuality could mean men, women and agender people. It could mean all genders. This was a revelation to me. I finally had a word with a description to match how I felt!

Nowadays, I like to use a definition of bisexuality as an attraction to people of a similar gender and of a dissimilar gender. And this definition really works for me.


So, moral of the story, kids: you define your label, your label doesn’t define you. Go forth and conquer (your labels)!

I would love to read your comments down below or over on Twitter.

PS – Please appreciate my first attempt at Photoshop on the featured image of this post. I tried.

Pan Isn’t Better Than Bi

pan isn't better than bi original from https://www.emaze.com/@ALICFOZI/Social-Injustice

*this is a response to/lowkey reiteration of Ash’s vid. you should watch it. it’s very good*

Today we’re jumping down the queer rabbit hole again to talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: bisexuality. More specifically, bisexuality in conversation with pansexuality, and how there is a weird idea that pansexuality is somehow better than bisexuality because it “encompasses all genders, not just two.”

Bi vs. Pan

First, let’s talk about the “standard” definitions for bi and pan. In my view, there should be no standard definition because each person experiences their sexuality in a different way. But in order to understand where the problem is, you need to understand the usual definitions that people apply to these words. Bisexuality is often seen (I would argue by people not a part of the bi community) as an attraction to both men and women. Pansexuality, on the other hand, is an attraction to all genders.

Bi Isn’t Binary (Unless You Want It To Be)

However, the idea that bisexuality is binary is bullshit. Almost all of the bisexual people that I know (i.e. follow on the internet) use a much more progressive definition of bisexuality.  I even know of some non-binary people who identify as bisexual. Personally, I like to define my bisexuality as an attraction to people of similar genders as myself, and dissimilar genders as myself. This is quite close to Ash’s definition of an attraction to your own gender and other genders.

So, really, bisexuality can exist however you want it to. Maybe that means being attracted to only men and women. Maybe that means being attracted to all genders. Either way, people need to stop policing other people’s labels. It’s not nice. And very annoying. So please stop. Just let people choose whatever label they want, and recognize that your definition of bisexuality (or pansexuality, or any sexuality for that matter) may not be their definition.


I’m curious to know what you think about this topic. Let me know down in the  comments or over on Twitter!